In my FAQs page, you’ll spot this particular Q&A about third party readings:
I still get some requests to do tarot readings that I categorize as third-party readings, so I made this post to provide more information on what they are and why I refuse to do them.
Article sections:
- What are “third party readings”?
- Why I refuse to do third party readings
- What you can do instead of a third party reading (for clients/querents and for readers)
What are “third party readings”?
Some people call this “tarot spying”. It’s using your cards to read about someone who is not present and is not able to give consent to the reading.
Here are some common examples of third party questions that I’ve personally encountered throughout my years of tarot reading for others:
- “What is [NAME OF EX] doing right now?”
- “What’s going on between [NAME OF EX] and their new romantic partner?”
- “What does [NAME OF CRUSH] really feel about me?”
- “Does [NAME OF EX] still think about me?”
- “What is [NAME OF ESTRANGED SON] thinking about right now?”
This type of reading is not limited to tarot only. Spying or third party readings can be done with any divination tool, whether they be cards, pendulums, charms, scrying tools, or anything else.
Why I refuse to do third party readings
I have personally reframed third party questions sent to me by querents, or outright turned them down. As someone who tries to practice honest, transparent communication in my daily life, I really don’t feel comfortable doing this type of reading. Here are my reasons for it.
1. A third party reading is an invasion of privacy.
As I said, third party readings are tarot readings done without the consent of the third party. Tarot readings are very intimate and can delve into things that are very personal. Consent is a must in giving and receiving a tarot reading.
Even if the third party/other person was an absolute asshole to you and you believe that your intentions are pure (e.g. you want to know what they’re doing to protect someone you care about), invading their privacy through a tarot reading is not the solution.
Note: If you feel that you or people you care about are in danger because of the person you’re trying to do a third party reading on, please don’t rely on tarot readings for solutions. Take immediate, logical, and concrete steps to ensure your safety. Call in the authorities or a lawyer, if need be.
2. Third party readings are often biased.
Based on my personal experience as a tarot reader, most querents who ask for third party readings already have a desired answer/outcome in mind. Just a few examples:
- The question “What does [NAME] feel about me?” usually stems from the querent expecting/wanting X to feel a specific way about them.
- The question “Is [NAME] hexing/cursing me?” usually stems from you already wanting to hear that YES, this person really IS hexing or cursing you.
Going into a tarot reading with a fixed answer in mind is not fair to your tarot reader or to yourself. The best way to approach tarot is to be open to what you need to hear and not fixated on what you want to hear.
3. Third party readings are often hard to confirm/verify.
If you don’t actually engage with or speak to the third party, how do you know if the tarot reading rings true or not? With third party readings, you’re only operating on assumptions. Even if you do say your intuition/gut says this or that, it will still always be an assumption until proven true via solid evidence or confirmation from the person you’re reading about.
4. Third party readings don’t help you grow or move on.
Focusing on what other people think/feel/do instead of focusing on what YOU think/feel/do is unhealthy. This could potentially keep you stuck obsessing over people who have likely moved on with their own lives already.
What to do instead of a third party reading
For querents/seekers/clients
Instead of asking a tarot reader to do a third party reading for you, you might want to consider the following:
- Have an honest conversation with the person. A lot of the time, this is really the best solution. Instead of spying on the person and making assumptions about their thoughts and feelings, sitting down for an honest conversation can help clear up any misunderstandings and help you both hear each other out. If they’re not ready to talk yet, just let them know you’re willing to listen and that they can come to you in their own time.
- Just let them go. If having an honest conversation is not possible because the person has blocked you, explicitly said they don’t want to talk to you anymore, or has just been behaving in a way that they really won’t give you the time and headspace…then let them go. Hard as it may sound, sometimes you really just have to realize when it’s time to let go and move on.
- Focus on YOUR feelings and what YOU can do. Cards can give guidance and insight, but they cannot take action on your behalf. If the person is harassing you online, then block them and cut them out of your life. If the person has actually been reaching out to you and you’re the one avoiding them, maybe give them a chance. You cannot control how the person feels and acts, but you can control your own actions and manage your own emotions.
For tarot readers
- Reframe the question. When your client asks for a third party reading, help them reframe the question. Probe more into how they feel about the situation, and why they came up with that question in the first place. Then collaborate with them to come up with a new question.
For example: A client once asked something along the lines of, “Please read my son’s thoughts and feelings about this situation.” I told her I couldn’t, and explained that the better question to ask would be something like, “How can I better support my son in this situation?” By focusing on this question, my reading gave her an idea what her son needed from her. And in doing so also gave her an idea how her son felt without violating his privacy. - Just say no. If you’re like me and feel uncomfortable doing third party readings, you can always just say no to doing them. I usually try to reframe the question first and see how the clients react. Most are very willing to change their question with my help, but some have actually ghosted me after I ask. There have been very few times when I’ve had to say no outright because the client was being too demanding and insistent even if I already explained I don’t do third party readings.
In conclusion…
I won’t deny that it’s natural to be curious about someone else’s thoughts, and using divination methods like tarot to peek into their mind and heart is naturally tempting.
But think about it this way: Would YOU like it if someone were spying on you without your permission? I’m guessing your answer to that would be NO.
Remember: best tarot readings focus on YOU! So instead of eavesdropping on someone else’s energy, a reading about your own feelings and what you can do can be much more helpful and empowering.